Is it the skin I’m in or is it what’s in my skin? Never have I been insecure about my skin, except sometimes I wish I was a lot darker than I am.
In love with my color, I find strength in every inch and every crevice.
What happens when you date someone who has a preference and you so happen to fall out of that bracket? A preference for lighter skin, or a thicker than a snicker kinda girl… A man who dated someone so basic looking before you and called her beautiful, sexy, ‘hot’… Fell in love with her… But in the eyes of every beauty connoisseur, she’s just average?
Suddenly you’re ‘insecure’ because the little man in your head kicked over a full-to-capacity bucket of questions… Causing you to think.
“What the hell did he find so attractive about her? Was she even remotely as intelligent as you are? Was she as good in bed or better?” *holds head*
Did you become the “he settled for less…the lower the standard, the better for the heart” partner?
How do you go forward with a man who refuses to give details? Who is silent on simple matters? Who overreacts when you ask him simple things or make ridiculously simple comments?
So much doubt is created in your mind… You’re unavoidably labelled as insecure by said man.
But is there a law about NOT asking about your partner’s ex? Perhaps we don’t do so, because it comes off as insecure and frankly annoying.
But, but, aren’t you the strong secure female? Why not think about the fact that he’s with YOU, because he CHOSE you? He wants YOU and not the other person…
Then you say to some other invisible guy in your brain…
“I know, but I’m not sure if he’s over her… Could I just be a major distraction to get over her? I don’t want that… I need to know what makes me special, I need to know why he chose me. Am I truly his type? He says I’m pretty, he likes my ass… But I need to know if I’m prettier and hotter than her… What’s the harm?”
Your conscious side says “you’re pathetic,” but you still wanna satisfy your curiosity. So “fuck you conscious side! Always telling me to stay positive, and look at what’s happening…NOW”.
You think “why should I suppress these very real issues? If I’m the one, he’ll think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world… Am I really just going mad?”
Conscious you, goes quiet…how convenient!
Conscious you then says, “welp, you’ve got a point! If you’re not the most beautiful, if you’re not poetry, if you aren’t the apple of his eye… You might just be there for being there sake, another statistic in the loneliest pointless relationship.”
Now you’re left with… Do I go with my gut? Do I hog tie the ‘pity’ and push it to the back of my brain, possibly creating more doubts for the future? How do I proceed?
Then clarity arises… Why not just LIVE in the NOW? *smacks forehead*
ALSO by Marcy: “Monster”